Things overheard

As I was sitting in the climbing gym, a couple on their first date stopped in and supplied a couple gems.

"How many push-ups do you think I can do?"

"uhm... 60?"

"..."

Fails at 20. Girl doesn't looked impressed.

"Check this dyno out!"

Sideways dyno from standing on a ledge on the vertical wall to a huge jug on the 45 wall. Swings and faceplants.

"I used to play hockey."

"I thought hockey players were bigger."

Laugher from the peanut gallery.

"Here try this."

"I don't think that's possible."

"Let me show you."

"Told you so."

Same guy a couple days later showed up to the gym alone. Seeing two guys racing up the campus board, he proceeds to join in and with no warm up campuses half way up the boards and dryfires off, landing on his back and spraining his wrist.

Rough week for him.



"You look like a V5 climber."

Me "Thanks."

"I've only been climbing two years and I've already climbed a V5."

"..."

Some random customer in my store.


"Have you been doing steroids Smith?"

"It's called training, you should try it Sonnie."

Co-op.

"I did it fair means."

"Ya you climbed it and stripped the landing so the next guy couldn't use the landing you sent with."

"Exactly."

Co-op.

"What's good about climbing outside?" "It's dangerous and there's no tape or grades."

Disappointed boulderer leaving Squamish for the last time.

Somebody else commented so I'm writing another Blog Post

I have a little rule, that I'll write another blog if I get two comments. While somebody commented so now I'm left trying to come up with a post that won't have you clicking back before you finish this sentence.

It's the middle of March now. Like many of you I'm in the "Lets get this stupid winter over so we can climb outside phase." This year I've been climbing lots. To give you an idea I've actually climbed more days so far then I had last year at this time.

Thanks to the Squamish Bouldering Coop, (which happens to be 20 seconds from my work) I've been climbing 4 days a week.

Some of you believe that climbing is the best training for climbing, but I believe that climbing builds technic but I don't know if it helps build power. So that said I've been trying to increase that by power lifting four days a week.

Lets not get ahead of our selves thinking that I'm some goon pressing 600 pounds above my head. But I am working towards my body weight for most things. Or twice your weight you skinny bastard!

Kidding.

Anyways this year I'd like to crack the Bubbles V10.

Or get a couple Bubbles approved V10's and possibly a 11.

Now I know this seems a little like grade chasing but I'm just psyched on a couple problems.

The Reckoning Stand

Worm World Cave Low

Agoraphobia

I'll have to get the other 10's approved by the forest adjudicator.

So on that note. I spent this morning doing Wallballs and muscle ups.

Feel free to come by my shop to give me sympathy. Ask for something off the bottom shelf and watch me cry as I trying to bend over.

Chow!

Fear and Loathing on my way to Vegas

Today is the five year anniversary of my most infamous drive from Hueco to Las Vegas.

Now before I get started I thought I talk about a little self reflection I've done over the years since this trip. In the past I've always pictured myself as Sal Paradise, Raoul Duke sort of character in all my adventures. But after reviewing my memories I might be more Neil Cassidy, Dr. Gonzo than I once thought.

To set the stage for this misadventure I have to introduce you to my best friend Gabriel. Gabriel is the kind of guy you meet at a party and you remember his name. Probably because he's lining up some sort of naked sauna roll in the snow.

I met Gabe in the Yukon when I borrowed a Tom Wolfe book from him after a random conversation. When I tried to return the book I found out that he was living in a tent behind the college. That's all well in good except it had dropped to minus 20 the night before. Tracking him down I found him showering in the public bathroom. He said he wanted to show me his tent. Turns out it was more of a tarp held up with a stick. After that Gabe moved into guest room at my parents house.

Fast forward ten years. Gabe was heading to go back from Mexico and knew I was in El Paso Texas.

Gabe emailed asking if he could get a ride to Vancouver if he bused in.

I had just spent 6 weeks having the best climbing trip of my life. I had climbed into shape and was cleaning up my projects left and right. Two days before I was planning to start the long journey back to Canada I drove out of the desert and met Gabe at the bus station. Gabe got off the bus with two friends. A Welsh guy and Gabe's new British sweetheart "Jimjam".

Surprised, I loaded them into the van to head back out into the desert. Before I had made two turns it became clear this travel arrangement was going to be a difficult one. Jimjam was tired from the 20 hour bus ride and wanted to stay in a hotel. Gabe pulled me aside and told me he was down to his last 50 bucks. And one night in the hotel would break him for the rest of the trip. He also told me his Welsh friend was worse off than him.

Feeling bad for my buddy I took them all out for all you can eat pizza. Gabe told me the trip had been good but his love interest was dragging down hard on him. He had got this rash on his privates and was worried it might be a sign of bigger problem. (I tell you this because this is the conversation we had in the lineup for pizza.) He said look man you have to look at this. It's bad and I'm not sure if I need to go to a doctor. So into the bathroom we went were he proceeded to whip it out.

(I'd like to stop here to clarify some things: One I'm not a doctor and know nothing about STD's, two it's not a hobby or passion of mine and three I don't recall really wanting to see this.)

Of course as Gabe is showing me his unholy sausage the door to the bathroom did open and yes someone did walk in. I kid you not. Needles to say I was doubly mortified. One for concerns of charges of indecent exposure or for soliciting sex and two for seeing something that is now burned into my memory for life.

(New rule: No more penis viewings for the remainder of the trip.)

That night Gab and Jimjam got a hotel while me and some random Welsh guy headed back into the desert to spend my last day in Hueco climbing.

I had my single greatest climbing day of my life that day while Gabe and Jimjam wandered the streets of El Paso passing the time until we got back. Needless to say they weren't psyched when we finally got back from climbing for the day. They had to be forced to leave their hotel at 11 and spent the remainder of the day walking the streets hungry. Gabe had spent the last of his money on a hotel and couldn't afford to go to Denny's for a Grand Slam.

When we met them, I shared a couple of my peanut butter sandwiches. My plan was to drive to Bishop with a stop in Las Vegas. I hit the gas station Gabe informed me that Jimjam was having a problem with her bladder and had to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes. I was a bit concerned. I mean that can't work. We're about to do a 12 hour straight drive.

I wasn't psyched. I was of the mind set that every time we stopped for gas, then we could use the bathroom. But I'm not completely heartless. In Gabes pre-trip conference he also informed me that Jimjam tended to get carsick and needed to sit up front.

Ok ok. Easy. Right?

So we filled up and headed out. We had been in the van for ten minutes when Jimjam stated.

"Garybell I have to go to the bathroom."

I mean I was sitting right beside her, no more than two feet away. I thought she was joking. Gabe tapped me on the shoulder from behind.

"Ah guy we needs to stop."

Now I'm not a jerk but two things started to bother me. One, we hadn't been in the van for more 15 minutes and two, why was she has holding a four liter water jug.

As we swung into a gas station on the edge of town, Jimjam ran in to relieve herself. I questioned the logic of this trip. I'm like "Gabe why don't you guys fly". He of course was like "Dude, I don't have anything left".

So five minutes later we were back on the road. As I step on it to get out of town as quickly as possible I begun to notice something troubling. Jimjam wasn't speaking to me directly. It always:

"Garybell, I don't like the music."

"Garybell, I'm cold."

"Garybell, It's too warm in here."

"Garybell, I have to go pee pee."

"Garybell, we're driving too fast."

"Garybell, how much longer."

"Garybell, can't we talk about something else."

"Garybell, I'm thirsty."

One hour into the drive I was at wits end. As we pulled over for our third bathroom break. I decided new rules:

Jimjam sits in the back of the van.

Jimjam is advised to shut up.

Jimjam is advised to cut back on the water.

Oh and Jimjam is strongly advised to shut up.

6 hours in 12 bathroom breaks.

New rule: At least two hours between bathroom breaks.

My eye twitched every time Jimjam broke one of the many rules of road. I'm normally quite sane but this was testing my limits.

"Garybell why can't I sit up front? I like to look at the license plates?"

"Garybell can you get Matthew to play something that isn't so dreary?"

"Garybell I have to go wee."

I knew we weren't going to make it to Las Vegas in a single push. I was on the edge of madness. I pulled into a gas station/rest stop and said we were crashing for the night.

I had a double bed in the back of my van and I planned on sleeping for a few hours and making my way to Vegas the next day.

Now normally I'm a nice guy. "Of course you can sleep in the back... Of course we can turn the heat on... Of course you can have my sleeping bag. But in the last 8 hours she had broken me. I was a stark raving mad man. It may not show on the outside but I was ready to snap.

Gabe and Jimjam were going to sleep up front, me and the random Welsh guy were in the back. Welsh guy could sleep across my feet. Gabe was informed if Jimjam complained she could sleep outside.

When I woke up in the morning the van was empty. When I entered the gas station I found Gabe and Jimjam sitting at a table drinking a hot coco. Gabe had found change sitting on the dashboard and got them a hot drink. Gabe pulled me aside and said that last night was the hardest night of his life. Worst than any of the nights in the tent in the Yukon. He thought they were going to die and that I might sleep through his death.

I felt bad. Gabe was my boy. If he died if would have been terrible. I said "Why didn't he climb in the back and cuddle up?"

Apparently Jimjam asked that very thing.

"Garybell I'm freezing can we trade with them?"

Some one told her:

"Isn't it time for a bathroom break!"

And not in a Welsh ascent...

The next day was much of the same driving. Pulling over and constant whining.

I was forming a plan in my mind as we drove. It won't be written here for legal reasons. My Dr. Gonzo was emerging. Instead of acting like a crazed father with a mini van full of kids, I'd gone to the dark side. After all we were driving through bat country.

We stopped in on the Grand Canyon as we neared Vegas. Sadly Jimjam never got see it. What with bathroom breaks and problems with her camera we left before she made it to the edge.

I'm not one for sightseeing and neither was Jimjam judging by the speed in which she moved once we got there.

Next up the Hoover Dam! With me being the only one with any money to their name, I decided not to pay for parking and rather slowed down to peer out the side of the window.

"Garybell why aren't we stopping?"

"..."

Gabriel is my best friend, hell he was the best man at my wedding and for that reason I didn't drive off on one of our many pit stops on the way to Vegas. But I knew as we neared Vegas it was the end of the line. Jimjam had to go. I still had a few days to go in my trip and I planned to spend a week climbing in Bishop. I had no doubts that Jimjam wouldn't be able to handle sleeping in the desert.

The plan was simple. I'd fit the bill for a hotel in Vegas. Then before dawn broke I'd head to Bishop solo.

I think my plan showed on my face. As I paid the hotel bill the Welsh guy said quietly.

"Can I come too?"

Taking a random stranger over your best friend is quite tough. I knew I couldn't leave without saying something, so while Jimjam was heading to the bathroom. I told Gabe "You can come to Bishop. " He smiled relief on his face. "But she can't. Your choice."

In the end Gabe made the choice that proved he's a great guy. He called his mom and she wired enough cash and he and Jimjam flew back to Vancouver.

Welsh guy and I headed off.

In a way I was Sal Paradise when Dean needed a ride. I just wasn't going in the right direction.

But then again Dr. Gonzo knew the true score. She was one toke over the line.

Climbing is climbing is climbing.

Funny thing happened to me down at the Tea Shop today. I was talking to a regular customer about climbing when a another person walked in and overheard my conversation. I talking to my regular about her interest in getting into climbing. I mentioned that Squamish has a bouldering coop.

Well the gentalman who had just walked in stated that Squamish didn't have a climbing gym.

"It's a bouldering gym, which isn't climbing."

"Well shucks" I said. Because in all honesty I didn't know what to say to that other than don't listen to this guy, he's an idiot and well I figured that wouldn't go over well.

He went on to compare bouldering to top-roping and it really bugged him when people called that nonsense rock climbing.

I asked if he'd ever been bouldering?

He said he had and that it wasn't at all like rock climbing.

In what sense I asked?

No real answer that didn't involve things like height.

Then I asked the classic rock climbing question. How long have you been climbing?

His answer almost two years.

"Well shucks" I said. "I see now, you don't know what the fuck your talking about".

Ok, I didn't say that, but that's what I was thinking. Because anyone who's climbed for any length of time knows you don't rain on a parade you don't know anything about.

Now I'm not overly interested in ice climbing but I'm not going to tell a ice climber their sport doesn't count because their wearing crampons and wielding axes.

I said that a lot people boulder and "climb" and the ones that do don't hold one above another.

Because its about movement on rock. And just because you jam a cam in now and then doesn't make your sport better than mine.

He said a few other things that made me convinced he was trying to impress my regular. After which he offered to take her out climbing and show her what the sports all about.

But why is it that people get so down on bouldering? Is it because its about pure difficulty? Or is because they go out and try it and get shut down on the "warm ups"?

I'm not trying to be a jerk... Well ok I'm being a bit of a jerk but what's up with "Climbing" snobbery?

The Helmet Situation.

Time to bring a little humor to the blog.

These past few months my blog has been a bit of a downer for me. I was super upset about the Duncan situation. I don't want climbing arguments or enemies.

I thought I'd tell a little story about me climbing in Australia.

I went to Australia to visit a good friend and climb the amazing sandstone in the Grampians.

After traveling and climbing in Tasmaina, Sydney and the Blue Mountains, my good friend Garrett and I headed down to a Southern area known as the Grampians. We climbed a bunch and had some good laughs but sadly Garrett had to go back to Sydney to work while I was to stay on and climb for a few more weeks by myself. Now normally this is fine in a world class area. Usually there are other climbers to hangout with and people to spot you on your projects. However for some reason the area was completely empty.

Stapleton campground was a ghost town. So each day I'd head out to the boulders and climb until I was wasted then come back to eat until it got so dark that I'd have to sit in my tent reading or watching movies on my 2" ipod.

Finally after a couple weeks a family rolled in on a camping trip. They had two preteen girls and a Dad who worked in the Australian film business. So I quickly latched on to them. I was in need of human contact and this family was my salvation.

As we were sitting around their lantern on the second night of their trip. They asked me what I was doing in the Grampians. I explained I was climbing/bouldering. Having never heard of bouldering before they asked me to explain it. So I said the usual; climbing with no ropes not very high.

(It's funny, the minute you tell someone you climb with no ropes they get this look like they're talking to a crazy person. Some sort of Dan Osman daredevil.)

Well they of course pictured me freesoloing the Tapia Wall. I was very tempted to leave that image in their minds. But sadly I explained climbing not that high as in four feet above my pad caused my legs to shake uncontrollably.

Their next question was whether I wore a helmet while doing this "bouldering" thing. I explained that no one wears a helmet and that there isn't a high danger of hitting ones head with rocks or falling on to it.

They looked at me skeptically but went along with it. I think they thought anyone hardcore enough to spend weeks climbing by themselves probably knew what they were talking about.

The next day as I prepared to go out bouldering I told them they should come along to the campground boulders which were a short walk from our campsite.

Again they expressed concern about my lack of safety equipment but I reassured them it would be fine.

As we neared the boulders I could hear a large group ahead of us. I was a little excited to have some other people to climb with. Then turning the corner I was in shock. There was a group of 20 boulderers all climbing and all wearing helmets.

My new friends turned to me in disbelief.

I'd lost their trust and I'd lost their respect. I was just another cocky kid trying to build himself up as some adventure hard man.

That night I ate alone staring in the dark across at their campsite. They played board games while I ate cold beans out of a can. I wanted to run across and explain it was just a freak occurrence. But the moment was lost. I was tempted to drive into town and buy a helmet just to make peace. But I'm not sure it would of helped.

The End.

Well kiddies. Only 20 some odd days until I'm done the 180 day challenge. Then some much needed rest.

Oh and if you're climbing with redheaded giants be sure to look up cause they can grown angry and toss down small boulders that a helmet would be the only thing to protect you.

Till next time.